I’m pretty much firmly entrenched in a “Don’t look at me! I’m hiiiiideous!” moment in my life right now.
Don’t worry, it’s more a ugly on the inside that I’m feeling (not that I’m feeling top notch on the outside – but my haircut is growing out pretty cute, and I just got all dolled up for my cousins wedding last week, so my self esteem on that front is at least higher than it is low right now).
It’s mostly just a vast feeling of insecurity about my art skills. And the only reason I feel so insecure about them is because I, quite frankly, don’t feel much like flexing or using them these days.
I mean, look at that handsome man up there in the picture. You see that cute little tee he’s wearing? With the little retro teevee? Yep, that’s all me. I designed the little logo, and ironed it on to a colour co-ordinated shirt. I made it and it’s pretty awesome.
I do good work. Work that impresses people. They tell me so. I mean, we all know that the reason that I quit OCAD had nothing to do with marks (even if most people think it’s crazy to quit something you’re doing well at).
But for the past few months I’ve been having trouble actually doing any.
Work, that is.
I just can’t force myself to sit down and draw right now.
My brain won’t do it even though it also knows I won’t get any better, and indeed will actually start to go downhill in my suckage if I don’t pick up a pen to retain my hand/eye co-ordination (let alone my life drawing/proportion/line control skills).
Worst of all, I’m letting myself be totally intimidated by people who in other times would have simply inspired me.
There are the Team Machos of the world who balance incredible technical skill with mind-blowing creativity and an intensely obscure and mind-boggling sense of humour.
Not too long ago I got to sit in their studio, and sift through their work, and stare at their wall of wacky found art and inappropriate polaroids and pat their twenty three toed feral cat (named Punchy). Tell me that’s not completely overwhelming. And I got invited to come study with a member of the collective for a session or two – but I totally chickened out.
Then there’s all the Hopes, Roses, and Lucys of the world. Incredibly talented and incredibly YOUNG girls- way younger than me even, and they’ve all already graduated from incredible schools and had amazing jobs and/or published work and/or critical acclaim. And they’re girls in a (until very recently) incredibly male dominated industry. Way to rock that boat!
Which says nothing of how much I respect their drawing abilities – the strong, clean, beautiful and very personal images they create. I would give anything to be able to use line the way they do.
Although to be honest, I know I could do the same if I just WORKED at it.
But I let myself get intimidated instead.
In short: I suck!
I kinda knew that it was going to be even harder to motivate myself to work after dropping out of school than it was while was in school, so I could see this coming really (no terms or deadlines to encourage me – not that they ever really did a great job of doing that in the first place).
And I’m in this for the long run, so on the short term I feel like this is a moment in my life I will totally overcome.
But looking at the long term I know I’ve got to WORK to find a solution to this. I can’t just let this moping become my life.